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Like a Gas-Flame Butterfly

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Monday, November 17th, 2003
5:56 am
I'm starting over.


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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
6:17 am - lazy
I'd love to be a trophy wife, so that I would never ever have to work again. Just a thought...

current mood: bored

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Thursday, July 26th, 2001
5:31 pm - for the first time
i dyed my hair last night. hehehe. i am getting ready to go meet chris david and laura at the mall. i donno if david will be able to come now, but hopefully it will work out. i am not doing anything sneaky, i swear. really. i am not. gah.

current mood: worried

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12:13 am - pourquoi je suis si triste, je veux juste sourire
when i get really sad, i start tlaking in french. or writing. word.

tandis que mes yeux sont fermés, mon coeur est ouvert, mais les larmes coulent toujours ce qui est le meilleur est ce qui est laissé non parlé.

and all this from 2 french classes, and a french software kit thing. hah.

i cried tonight. isn't that amazing. but i only cried for like less than 2 minutes. which is good. but i need a little bit more control still.

i want boston creme pie. i am not going to get any. i don't have any. and there is no way i am walking anywhere to get some. c'est la vie.

current mood: distressed

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Monday, July 2nd, 2001
3:50 am - *sad music always helps*
I sang this. Then I wrote it down. Imagine, me singing. hah.

Alright I understand.
All hours of the day
I cry my love away
All hours of the day
I cry my love away
I want to be missed
I need to feel loved
Lonely I fall
All hours of the day
I cry my love away
All hours of the day....
Fear is misplaced
Anger tormenting
Yes I feel this
Yes I understand
I can’t get away
I can’t escape
I don’t want to
I ought to be tortured
Enormous sins
I don’t even know what
Guilt is crushing
So I return to this
All hours of the day
All hours of the day
I will cry, I will cry, I will cry
Can you make it go away
Make it stop
Help me now
I can’t forget
The images in my head
I need resolution
I need amnesia to make it good
I will be. I will be. I will be.
I will be alright.
Lonely. Forgotten? No.
I need help.
Love me. Love me.
Love me. Love me.
Love me, somebody. Anybody,
All hours. All hours.
All hours of the day.
I cry my love away.


current mood: rejected

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2:37 am
I can tell you that
even angels cry
when at the top of the world
and nothing's ever right
no matter how hard you try
there is still darkness
inside the light
and you're alone
even when they're in sight
the loneliness might pull you down
and unhappiness would
make the most noiseless sound
so go ahead and lie to everyone
this world can be your stage
who will notice if you
put on the greatest play
maybe lies are just the ugliest truths
But I am waiting here forever
and I will always know
nothing ever changes
the pain will fill
the spaces i never could
and rage will only see
the outside of your soul
i am watching over you
and there is room to breathe
so stand there
stand there crying
because you are my angel
and somehow you are still sad
even at the top of the world


kill me because my soul is already dead
hate me, my friends have fled
I am left deserted chained and beaten
don't give me breath of life
I am ready to be gone
I will jump off the walls of this planet
and soar through the skies at sunset
until I fade into nothingness, yet I am nothing now
you make me feel this way
leave me in this temple but I refuse to pray
who would listen to my words
there are no ears to hear
I want to let it go but still held back by fear
my wrists are bleeding, raw from chains you placed
my neck is weary, rope hangs around the space
please let the trapdoor fall, let feet hang in the air
there is no love, just plastic smiles and lies told to the crazed
I wander through the cold lands of all the broken hearts
the remnants of mine have long since faded
but not your hateful arts
I still feel you by my side, your breath tingles on my skin
and I still struggle not to let you back in.


current mood: gloomy

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12:42 am - *love me. love me. love me. love me. love me.* peese?
sun shines in the morning.
Painfully aware of darkness lurking
I'll feel soothed when I'm covered
Hide my face in shadows
No joy is left to be found
Scour the earth for happiness
You'll only get lost
Get up. Get out.
Relieve yourself of any duties
Befalling you tonight
Feel cold, feel empty
Let go of any pain
You carried over into this
I can't save you now
I refuse to help you anymore.
When I don't even want to
Feel this alive
Shrug it off
Laugh at me
It doesnt matter- it's all
Hopelessly happening.

yesss i wrote this.

every time i am about to give up
wait a minute there it is
every time i let you go
you run back through the door
you want my peace to be with you
but how can what you say be true
i'm working hard to let you leave
you don't understand the loss-
it hurts to breathe
dark shadows trimmed in gold
silver lace adorning
i want you to go
leave me the hell alone
i lie. i make myself not cry.
and so you disappear
i give myself
my greatest fear
i wanted you to fight for me
i wanted you to care
you don't.

this is fun.... riiight.

where am i alive
confusing depths of deception
metaphors for an imperfect world
i miss you, i hate you
you broke me
i'll never be fixed
when you lost me
have you ever missed me
no one else can save me
from the hell i created
i will always be alone
when i am without you
what made you stop caring
reversal- did you ever even start
i can't take all this speculation
turning into a coward
with too much introspection
i need you-
i need you by my side
i've loved you
i'll never be alright.

yes yes it keeps going.

sickly sardonic
how can i breathe
when the air is on fire
i can't take the truth
but lies are murder
how much longer, what time is left
falsify the heartbeat
of a sinner
creep into the skin
of a lover
to see what living is like
chased by demons
i lost the ability to love
beautiful sounds
i cannot hear
glorified sights
i'll never see
take me first
let the rest go
its the leats, its the most
its everything i have
so just take it from me.

alright. thats it. for now anyway.

current mood: lonely

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